Terrorist Plot Foiled After Concert Security Taps Woman’s Purse


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A woman takes aim with a Beretta shotgun at an exhibit booth at the George R. Brown convention center, the site for the National Rifle Association’s (NRA) annual meeting in Houston, TexasAlex Altman

For full version, visit http://swampland.time.com/2013/08/03/inside-nra-university-the-gun-group-takes-supporters-to-school/

Terrorist Plot Foiled After Concert Security Taps Woman’s Purse
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ANAHEIM, CA—Claiming that thousands of innocent lives had been saved, authorities announced today that a plot to bomb the Honda Center was successfully foiled Thursday evening after a concert security worker lightly tapped a purse with his hands, revealing several hidden explosives. “I grazed the outside of her bag with my fingers for a split second, and I could immediately feel the IEDs in there,” said Anthony Corvine, the heroic 31-year-old security staffer who identified the threat while manning the arena’s bag-check line. “We’re specially trained for this sort of thing, so a brief touch of any purse or backpack and we’ll know exactly what’s in there. People say I’m a hero, but I was just following our standard, highly effective purse-tapping protocol.” Sources confirmed this is the second such terrorist plot recently foiled at a major stadium, after security at New York City’s Barclays Center quickly patted the front pockets of an attempted suicide bomber last month.

For full version, visit http://www.theonion.com/articles/terrorist-plot-foiled-after-concert-security-taps,33352/

Job Growth Remains Sluggish, Or Rather, Akin To A Slug

These are all words sources would use in this instance, although perhaps not sluggy, as that’s not really a word people use. Of course, sources could always just say that domestic job growth is “slow-moving,” as that would also be accurate, but reports indicate that that’s a little prosaic, and, especially where journalism is concerned, it’s helpful to use more colorful language when describing these dry economic topics. You know, try to breathe a little life into it. Although, hold on, it just occurred to sources that another good way of describing the state of the job market would be to use boats. So if job growth were up, you’d compare it to a really fast speedboat.
For full version, visit http://www.theonion.com/articles/job-growth-remains-sluggish-or-rather-akin-to-a-sl,33353/

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